Am I real? -Day 4a

After this intense day I couldn’t sleep despite the late hours and lack of sleep. It was the middle of the night, a few hours from first light of day.  I went to a quiet outside area and laid on the damp grass while starring at the star-studded sky against a backdrop of silent darkness. Alone in the silence I was left with my thoughts. I was troubled by the question ‘am I real’, which was hurled at me after I stated that Krystal and self-titled ‘big momma’ needed to

Why did I so easily thrust myself into action despite the obvious danger?

I remember earlier in the evening when I calmly walked around the raging fire and stood with my back to ‘big momma’ and dangerously between her rage and the roaring fire. Why did my aggression take a passive aggressive form? Why wasn’t I angry when big momma attempted to push me in the fire? Why did I so easily thrust myself into action despite the obvious danger? 

I knew she was surrounded by staff that had tried to physically subdue her a couple times. I knew that she was a large, physically powerful woman that was more than a match for a few staff. I also knew that her self-righteousness vitriol was gaining momentum. I agreed with her right to speak out against white privilege but not her choice of venue. I acted in the way that I thought would show big momma my indifference to what she was saying and doing. 

It felt real to me. Maybe I could be more angry but I never really felt angry. I felt she was dealing with her trauma, as was Krystal, and that both women needed to do what they were doing. 

Trump, as a world leader, feels a lot like putting the fox in charge of the critical long-term care of Mother Earth 

Then I remembered another possible explanation for the question ‘am I real’? My five minute impromptu introduction to the group in which I stated, among others things that I didn’t like humanity. Perhaps showing empathy for the women who disrupted the final Ayahuasca ceremony seemed inconsistent with my scorn for our species. For me, however, I didn’t see any conflict on an intellectual basis. 

I believe that collectively we are destroying the earth as well as causing species to disappear and allowing abject cruelty to animals. We are not rising to the challenges of our time. Trump and other morally compatible world leaders share the blame but are they responsible for having the power of their office or are we? Even totalitarian states need other actors beside the country’s figure head 

Trump, as a world leader, feels a lot like putting the fox in charge of the long-term, critical, care of Mother Earth. As his financial influence and empire grows he carelessly clears the way for his rich friends to become richer from fossil fuel energy and unfettered exploration. Unfortunately Mother Earth is was already dying from abuse and neglect and while such abuse of wealth and power is rewarded, the disenfranchised are silenced by their systemic poverty and incarceration. 

After a little while I noticed that I was snowing outside. This seemed a little weird since I knew it was not going below 20C tonight

At some point I decided to call it a night and I headed back to my room where I returned to bed. My thoughts kept me awake. I realized that I was not yet my real self. I felt like I am still who I’ve always been amplified by my fear of dying in misery. But the old me is now on a journey of transformation and the threads from this weekend will become new cloth.

All I know now is that I need to be more present and aware. I need to explore my every action and thought in order to nourish my true self. I need to let go of physical, emotional and mental constructs of my ego. It will take time and it will require making some changes but it felt right to imagine a time when my true self might be actualized. 

After a little while I noticed that I was snowing outside. This seemed a little weird since I knew it was not going below 20C tonight. I was late and I was dead tired so I did a double take, maybe two or three. The windows definitely were ‘frosting’ over. I looked out the window and saw a large cloud tunnel that reminded me of a tornado but didn’t look like anything that I had seen on TV. The sky featured clouds spinning in a funnel shape against a backdrop of darker cumulus clouds. 

The hallucination was so damn convincing that I was frightened like never before

I left my room in order to confront whatever awaited me. I touched the windows and they were not frosted or even cold. I was still a warm night. When I observed the sky, however, the funnel clouds continued spin violently but now stayed directly overhead. I had never seen a tornado or spinning funnel clouds so I didn’t know if this was a real danger or not.

I shivered as a presence washed over me and I was left with ‘goose bumps’. When I shivered again my entire body shivering and my flesh began to crawl, literally. Something coursed through the veins in my arm. I was having my first adverse hallucinogenic experience. I knew that nothing was not real and that it was better not to resist but the hallucination was so damn convincing that I was frightened like never before. 

Everyone else was asleep. There was no other person that I could turn to for help. I was alone and Felt as desperate need to be with someone that knew the difference between real and not real. When I saw the retreat cat approach, which I had befriended, was that someone. After we exchanged greetings, however, he snarled at the darkness then disappeared in its cloak.

I began to feel claustrophobic as the 3D wall tapestries came alive
As I went inside the large yurt tent where a few people slept, another shiver crested through my body. I tried to sleep but failed miserably. As I surveyed the room a rumpled sleeping bag transformed into a Jaguar which soon began to stalk me. I got up and walked around inside the yurt. 

I began to feel claustrophobic as the 3D wall tapestries came alive. I went back outside into the darkness where a plant became a snake and another sleeping bag became a Jaguar. It felt just like I would imagine it would feel if they were rising from their graves, from their own deaths. As I approached another area and saw the movement under another rumpled sleeping bag I immediately feared the worst. Yet it wasn’t a menacing hallucinogenic experience, it was a person. A real person.

She worked as a Soul Quest as a helper and over the next hour before daylight she helped me. Big time. I stayed by her side as she did her early morning chores. She knew that I didn’t yet trust shadows and shapes. Then when I said that I could sleep, she rummaged to get me a warm, heavy blanket and a pillow. I feel asleep outdoors, on the floor  beside her as the threatening clouds slowly passed and another day continued in the daylight.

It is better to admit to myself that I am not yet strong enough to face the uncertainty of my darkness. 

When I awoke, she was still sleeping. I had returned to my room to freshen up for the day and pondered the events of the night. Nothing made sense to me but the synchronicity of last night’s experiences bubbled on the surface of my awareness as I showered and brushed my teeth. My quest to answer the question ‘was I real’ occurred at exactly when I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t real suggested that I didn’t really know the difference. 

My fear of last night’s hallucinations, something that I knew not to be real, I now see as a fear of loneliness, of being alone. I’ve lost a lot of heart connections with people over the years and now my life story has narrowed as my witnesses have vanished. Yet my real fear is the loneliness of disease, death and dying and this greatest of fears is still one that I need to face. 

The insight from last night is a hopeful start, especially as it separates the ego from my true self and allows me to place more weight on my inner journey and less on externalities. My time now seems so precious, yet I continue to delay the inevitable confrontation. This transformative journey is a last hope of redemption, one in which I hope to become more fully conscious of my self and my life’s journey. 

Yet, it all seems too little too late. Even my hope to learn how I can be more present, more in the moment in order to be more in synchronized with my true self. Perhaps it is better to admit to myself that I am not yet strong enough to face the uncertainty of my darkness. Perhaps I simple need to dive deeper in the recesses of my true self to better answer the question if I am real or not. I don’t know, yet.

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