My Unvarnished Self-Day 4b

The long night has become my last day at Soul Quest. I wanted to stay connected with everyone but also knew that these feel good experiences have a way of evaporating once back into the demands of everyday life. As I saw people with their suitcases and backpacks depart I was struck by how special this moment was and how best to remember it.

I needed to dig deep inside me and that it was my time to be the warrior

However, when I connected with my Uber driver and Kambo guide, Carlos, he convinced me to have another Kambo session first. I’ve had two sessions already but Carlos informed me that having a third session within the same moon phase would solidify and increase the life span of the Kambo’s intended and desired result. It was a measure of my trust in him and my heightened Soul Quest openness that I so readily postponed my intended farewells.

This Kambo experience Carlos wanted for me was focused on deep purging. The deeper the purging the greater the potential medical and psycho-spiritual benefits. I threw up a lot in the previous sessions but never had any dark vomit, only clear or light yellow. Instead of consuming the requisite four litres of water I was required to drink previously, I now faced the intimidating task of drinking six litres. My initial react was that it was not possible, at least for me.

I knew by now that Kambo is a battle. I barely managed to consume the required quantity of water in two previous sessions and now I was told to push past the stomach pain and have even more. I was told that it was a matter of mind over matter. So I set out to face yet another challenge when I thought that today would be just a matter of saying goodbye to dear friends.

As I assumed the now familiar posture on a mat beside a throw-up bucket I imagined consuming 50 percent more water in 20 minutes or so. I have set my daily rate at 2.5 litres based upon my body and age and already struggle to accomplish this during a 24 hour period. A litre every 3 minutes felt simply undoable. I hated the idea. Carl, however, calmed my anxieties gently telling me that I needed to dig deep inside and that it was my time to be the warrior. 

I mostly managed the pain but was surprised by the duration and depth of my bodily expulsions.

As I struggled with what being a warrior might possibly entail, I was momentarily distracted when Carlos asked where I wanted the last four burn marks. After some discussion I became aware that the previous five burn marks coupled with today’s four burn marks represented myself and all those who I love or have loved during my life. It was perfect. I have three wives (two divorces) and five children. I now knew that this was the right ting for me to do now.

Carlos methodically lined up today’s Kambo burn marks. The significance of my ‘four directions’ shoulder tattoo then hit me. I had always seen this tattoo as representative of my Metis heritage. I have full native status in Canada. The nine burn marks and this tattoo represents my life and is unique suitability to me.

I have long put aside the bittersweet memories of past marriage partners but, deep in my I know that I will always love them. It felt right, perhaps overdue, to acknowledge them as a foundational part of my life and the mothers of my beautiful children. It also felt like the right time as now I am embarking on another, more spiritual chapter, of my life journey. I didn’t know what lay ahead or even what today might bring but I knew that the circuitous path that I have taken to get here made this moment, this realization, a profound experience for me.

After the Kambo was fully administer and some hesitant drinking experience I a wet fart. I was delighted by the fact that I again didn’t need to crawl the distance but once in the outdoor bathroom stall I didn’t want to leave out of fear of more such embarrassing incidents. I was uncertain how best to proceed. Shortly, however, I cleaned myself up and returned to the ceremony. I knew that staying in the stall was not a viable option once Kambo kicks into gear.

When I settled once again I leaned into the experience as others outside the ceremonial tent embraced each other and slowly began to depart. I wanted to be in two places at the same time but this quickly passed as the Kambo drink-a-thon progressed. It was more intense but also more rewarding that any previous Kambo experience. I mostly managed the pain but was surprised by the duration and depth of my vomit. One in particular seemed to go on forever which caused Carlos to call me a champion.

I felt a certain pride to have completed my third Kambo in four days, along with everything else in spite of my sorry state.

I didn’t feel much like a champion, however. Nor did I look much like one. I was by now only wearing my short summer pants, no socks or shoes, no t-shirt and no underwear. I had left my soiled underwear discretely in the bathroom stall and managed to tell a staff member that I would return for this in due course.

This was the best arrangement that I could make as I was under the influence so going to my room was not an option. The only problem was that I had no belt and after fasting the last 4 days my short pants had a tendency to slip down. I clearly had let myself go during this ‘retreat’. I had clearly become less self-conscious. No-one was judgemental and everyone accepted who I am over my appearance or what I am.

Not only was my general appearance suddenly obvious to me but so was my general lack of good hygiene. I had not shaven or even properly cleaned my teeth for far too long to be excused my circumstances. Yet, at the same time, I also felt that this entire experience was essential an out-of-body experience for me. After all, even eating and sleeping became luxuries. Nonetheless, I felt a certain pride to have completed my third Kambo in four days, along with everything else in spite of my sorry state. 

Taking souvenir pictures of my support community was a lot of fun, at least for me

When Carlos released me I again began to focus on creating a memorable moment or some sort of lasting impression. I realized that some people had already left but more still hanging out, enjoying the last moments together as a community. I grabbed my phone and some props  and began to arrange pictures with everyone that I had connected with in the past few days. To make it more engaging I created a narrative. 

I asked each person that I wanted our picture together to choose the background as long as it meant something special to them. I had received permission to take a bouquet of ceremonial plants and added these to my large plastic bag of medications and an apple. I asked each person when the moment came for a picture together to hold onto the bouquet and apple as I held the medications. 

Everything made sense to me. The bouquet is our common ground, the medications represented the start of my journey. The apple symbolized the lost of our garden of eden and the disconnection we now have with the destruction of our world, our ecosystem. At every new picture I took another bite from the apple so that it started as a whole apple and ended as a meagre core of its former self. 

When the picture was being taken I asked the photographer who I had randomly conscripted to hold the button so that a series of phots would capture the specialness of the moment. Once the we were set I created to the circumstances. As the picture taking proceeded I might either saw something heart felt like ‘I really value our time together’ or ‘I love you’ but I might also try to kiss the men on the lips. Taking souvenir pictures of my support community was a lot of fun, at least for me.

 I felt accepted here as my true, unvarnished self

I will miss everyone that were part of my experience whether they stayed with me when I most needed it or annoyed me or if they were simply a passing exchange. They were almost more than brothers and sisters to me for everyone has shared a deeper, more meaningful experience that I have had with any of my real sisters and brothers. 

I especially sought out Krystal who I had already empatically told that I rejected her sexually suggestive ‘I love you’. Krystal was delighted. She was shocked by my ‘betrayal’ and adamant that she wasn’t being sexual. We were friends again. During the moment of the picture I looked at her and I told her that I loved her. She began to cry and I felt closer to her, again.

Today I felt that I was briefly living my ’true self’, something that Dr. Scot understood when he said ‘you are more fun than colonics, and I love colonics’ and others have described as a warrior and a seeker. I now can view my old body in the context of one of the happiest moments in my life. I must have presented a surreal backdrop with my vomiting but everyone seemed to take it in stride, another day another deep dive but I felt accepted here as my true, unvarnished self. 

For me, this experience required the right attitude and loving myself enough to invest in my true self and higher consciousness.

As I walked to my room I felt that no matter how I looked or how exhausted I felt that I was one of the happiest experiences of my life. I learnt to not fear death, or life. I overcame my health fears and anxieties and for a brief moment became a warrior. I reconnected with my true self. I connected with a spiritual force and a cosmic love through death and rebirth. Would I recommend this experience to others? Yes, but with reservations. Every person is different and every person is dealing with their own issues so it requires the right attitude and loving yourself enough to invest in your true self and higher consciousness.

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