who am i? am I real? – day 12

they were the questions that I took away from my three day ceremonial ayahuasca and kambo and such retreat that started this transformative journey. i didn’t ask it but an owner of the retreat had and I never answered her or myself. maybe it’s time.

you may remember there was an incident during this retreat. it was the last night and a few of us sat outdoors close to an open fire for warmth and reflection. we had done the hard work and now the really hard work had begun. the inner work. i felt calm for the first time in a long while. i was happy to be/me.

then the large framed woman near me began to vocalize into the darkness that swallowed it without prejudice. she was the only black person at the retreat and her anger demanded everyone paid attention. she was fed up spending time in a privilege environment of the white rich and she used her rich, deep voice to tell everyone. when a few people around me were struggling to contain their baser nature i challenged a neighbour to see the opportunity for his inner growth to ebb his anger.

the people that i met this weekend taught me not to judge appearances when judging hearts. i had become so connected with others, nature and myself and I was somewhat surprised others didn’t. the night grew colder and the beautiful big woman shriller. people had left the circle, some quietly, some not. i scored a blanket and tried to inhale the night light. i couldn’t. my mind demanded action. my heart demanded compassion. i walked over and back turned, blocked her view of the fire with my indifference. as she jumped into action and the staff responded in kind. hoisted high she never said goodbye.

i returned to my blanket but found no comfort there. next day and clear of the medicine i found myself in a space shared by her and i and i couldn’t help myself. i told her that i understood her pain, although it was not my pain. that she had every right to be that person if in fact that is her true self . i didn’t feel angry or resentful but it have regrets that the weekend had to end for many on this note. for me, however, the weekend gave me an injection of aliveness which i now nourish. it gives me strength to face my uncertain future with certainty.

since then I’ve had many adventures that have allowed me to experience my multi-dimensional self and to be comfortable with my death and dying. i have a 2-3 more events I need to share but this was the first thing that I wanted to share.

I’ll soon write about my extra special Kambo weekend, my community of fellow travellers, a QHHT session and most recently the cancellation of my psilocybin retreat.

Nonetheless, I still don’t know who I am because it seems i’m imploding while renovating who i am. Maybe after my transformative journey I’ll know who I am and if i’m real but I hope I don’t because I love a good narrative.

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