Tag: Atrial Fibrillation

A difficult decision

I have been reflecting on the ambiguity from my recent Doctor’s visit. I have put my faith in a medical system that ensures my longevity but I am responsible for my own life and how to live it fully. If I had sought such an experience earlier in my life there would be less concern for my well-being. Now I face the most daunting test of my abilities and my limitations without any true means to measure my fitness or to gauge the best path to take at this juncture.

My application for four separate psychedelic experiences (Holotropic breath work, Ayahuasca, and Psilocybin) have now been rejected. In all instances company insurance policies didn’t cover the risk associated with the fact that I take medication for my High Blood Pressure, Stroke and Atrial Fibrillation. This was, in part, due to the contraindications of the medications, the impact of the actual trip as well as the fact they were either not prepared to handle such medical emergencies due to their remoteness and untrained staff.

I have done some soul searching. I’ve even considered giving up my my Psychedelic Journey

What is my path? I keep going back to the burning question of what I want from my life. What is missing that I want or, perhaps, need from this experience? I am living a great life and, for the first time in my life, feel content. Why would I risk everything especially when the consequences for my care would likely impact my loved ones.

Is it simply that I believe I am emotionally, mentally and, even, physically healthy? Or is that I am drawn to having a mystical experience and, perhaps, gain a visceral understanding of what life would be like if I let go of my conditioning and expectations?  Probably both, why is why I feel compelled to proceed until not doing so is more obvious to me.

While I believe that I can frame the experience such that I can let go of my anxieties and embrace whatever experiences it presents, I also recognize that this is a new experience for me and my confidence is not yet grounded in reality. Therefore I’ve taken some precautions to ensure tripping will be a positive experience. I’ve made arrangements to take psilocybin through magic truffles in Amsterdam, where it is legal and where good hospitals are nearby. 

My experience will be under the guidance of an experienced professional that knows how to safely manage my experience. 

I am comforted by the fact that I believe that I can orchestrate the ideal scenario for the experience. I am disquieted by the fact that I need to lie in order the have the experience. Fortunately for my first experience this is less weighty as the people behind my first experience have stated “The service is directed to people who are willing to take psychedelics at their own risk.” 

I do not want to deceive those I love but nor do I want to deceive myself. Despite the consequences that this could have to my loved ones, especially my loving partner and best friend, it is, after all is said and done, my life and my decision. But it its also not fair or just so I will explain the risks and my decision to not reveal the full extent of my medication or admit to any health issues that would dismiss me as a candidate.

I don’t see any other path for me. 

I must proceed, as long as I believe that it is right to do so. I accept that it will never be safe, however. Such its life, but being safe should not be an expectation or, even, a goal in life. I don’t want to shorten my life unnecessarily, nor do I want to live a long life in pain or with regrets. After all, the whole idea of this experience, for me, is to make my dying and my death more agreeable, not less bearable.

I will now proceed with the journey under the belief that I can manage the experience. I believe that I am healthy and can have a positive experience. I know that I am in a good place and that likely this is my window. My greatest strength is not only that I am emotionally and mentally healthy but that I live a healthy lifestyle and my medications are more preventative than corrective.

From my research, bad trips are often triggered by not being in a good emotional state and not framing your experience in a positive manner. In fact, I believe that it is less likely that I will induce a medical condition if I approach it properly through emotional preparation and during the experience to let go, to surrender my ego and expectations.

The guide that I have selected is a practicing psychologist who is part of a professionally trained team with years of experience with psychedelics.

I believe that I will be in good hands and know that medical intervention is close by. I believe that I will be safe and maybe that is all I can do, maybe I need to let go of everything else.  In fact, I believe that I need to embrace this uncertainty, not because of the inherent risk to me but because of its value as a step into the unknown and a corresponding step away from my conditioning.


Can wide acceptance of Psychedelics be far away?

francislawrence8502

In Canada, like many other countries there is a resurgence in the acceptance of the altered experience. It seems like the rush to normalize a never-ending drug war coupled with the long dismissed but now scientifically endorsed health benefits has made it acceptable for governments to embrace the added tax revenue. Something the psychedelic pioneers might have imagined but never experienced.

Something that I could never imagine happening during my life time. Yet, here I am, nearly 70 and largely new to altered experiences.

I’ve had a little pot but don’t enjoy the health implication of smoking. I don’t even drink that much. In fact, I’m alright with being sober and observant enough to connect with the natural world. My psychedelic journey is an aberration in my life, in which I hope to grasp the tail feathers of my misspent youth as well as challenge the foundational bedrock of my social conditioning with a psychedelic experience or two.

After all, we live in an interesting time when the street drugs have devastated communities and when legally tripping on psychedelics may actually free the mind from our conditioned lives. Maybe the tide is turning from when such experiences were banned by governments unsure of its impact on well-heeled populations. The hippie days are gone forever it seems but the political power of what was once called the ‘military/industrial complex’ has grown exponentially.

This is my first Blog. I don’t use social media. If, however, you stumble upon my ramblings I hope that you find something that helps you on your journey.

There have many points from which I could have started. For me, I hope that this blog will be organic. It is the way I think after a lifetime of enjoying the journey as much or more than the destination. My psychedelic journey is not simply about altered experiences but also about my personal journey and the maze of emotions and fears that I will likely encounter along the way. So here is the start.

After contacting a retreat in Holland, I was encouraged to complete an application. I wasn’t really committed to this retreat or to the use of psilocybin but I complied. I knew that they needed to know my mental and physical state before accepting me into their program. It must be difficult to manage the diverse needs and issues of clients while providing a consistent and rewarding experience with their success being judged like a restaurant review in social media.

It was the medical information requirement, however, that I knew would be a deal breaker. Most likely I am twice the age of most ‘psychonauts’ and have medical issues that most retreats are uncomfortable embracing. I understand all this but there must be a place somewhere that will embrace who I am. If not, then I will embrace the process, the journey and not the end result as I always have attempted to do in my life. What fun.

My Atrial Fibrillation (irregular heart beat) and High Blood Pressure have already disqualified me from a Groft-style Breath Work. 

At this deep breathing retreat in California I knew that I would be rejected despite a supportive Doctor’s letter. I didn’t need take the rejection personally, however. I was told that it was more a question of their exposure. The likely increase in insurance or, conceivably, a law suit, presumedly by myself or my next of kin, could threaten their survival, especially in litigious-leaning USA. If not, the publicity of my death or near-death would not be exactly good advertising.

So it raises an interesting moral and safety question for me. Do I lie or do I take my chance with the Truth? Lying in the past has always given me regrets. Mostly lying entailed lying to myself. Now, I can no longer ignore or rationalize my actions or inactions. I do not even have a choice. I need to live with myself and being in touch with my values. It is life-sustaining for me.

I may need to take a longer path but, at least, I know that I am on my the path that feels right for me at this point in my life. I have always tried to listen to my own self and whenever I didn’t then I suffered, as, eventually, did innocent people. Sometimes it was innocent and sometimes it wasn’t but felt right for selfish reasons.

In any event, I am healthy despite being old. Maybe that is a factor in and of itself. After all, younger people sometimes see the old as near death and disposable. I am no longer young so I no longer empathize with the young except for the mess that they will inherit. I empathize with my own struggles and the difficulties of death and dying.

This is why I am seeking a Psychedelic experience.

I want to experience a connection to all life-forms and the continuum of my own life, from physical to more aware, enlightened and present. It would be gift that I believe will help be to let go when I feel it is right to do so.

It helps that my health issues are on the low-end of the scale and now, with my current medication, are no longer a factor in my regulating my health, my life. It helps that I have a healthy lifestyle and some long-lasting DNA. It helps that I do not have any addictions and am comfortable with who I am. 

So, form filled and sent. Another stab into the dark. My fate is out of my hands and I no longer have the burden of trying to understand what is the best experience for me. All I need to do is to keep my mind open and not build barriers with expectations. Simple, right?