francislawrence8502

I am now a member of a Church, a requirement for an Ayahuasca oriented Church that offers its congregation a three day Ayahuascan ceremony. My application was both extensive and complete. I provided a list of my medication and health issues. I decided that trying to get around my health circumstances would be a mistake and when I was welcomed to attend the Church service I felt relieved not to carry that burden. I want others to decide if they can accommodate me or not and I only want to participate if I am accepted for who I am, not some sanitized version of who I am.

I’ve now spoken three times to Chris, a facilitator for the Church, and, although he seemed to only vaguely remember who I was or the nature of my issues, he said that I can now book my flights. 

This was a shock to me. I realized that from Chris’s perspective my health concerns were relatively minor so I booked my flights. As I did so I thought about Chris, who was once a first responder, and if his efficient manner was based on front line field experience. I also couldn’t help but suspect that the Church deals with a lot of people messed up by combat or some other distressing event or traumatic experience. After all, the Church is located in a violent country with lenient gun laws and in conflict or in some crisis or other longer that I’ve been alive. Such fleeting thoughts reminded me, once again, how fortunate I have been to being born and raised above the 49th parallel.

Although Chris has agreed that my mental state is fine and that my physical state is almost fine, he wants me to be off my blood pressure medication for five days including the three ceremonial days. This seems reasonable but, in my mind, I knew that this, in itself, would present a risk. More urgently, he stated that my acceptance will subjected to a BP screening when we meet. I immediatly went to a worst case scenario knowing the Church reserves the right to do their own evaluation.  I wondered if this precaution has more to do with a litigious culture or a lack of faith in their flock.  

In any event, the fact that my participation could be denied at the last possible moment is difficult for me to accept. I briefly thought that once I was accepted that my acceptance was guaranteed. To be evaluated upon arrival is understandable but it would mean that, if rejected at the last minute, I would have no recourse after spending or committing to spend approximately  $3500 for transportation, accommodation, food and required Church donations. This was beginning to strike some familiar nerve-endings. In this case, however, I saw their perspective and understood why they would take the actions that have instituted. I’ve decided to face my concerns head-on by stopping my BP medication in a trial run. 

I’ve chosen to stop my BP medications for four full days and three tapering days in the hope that this action will allow me to make an informed choice to either go forward with confidence or avoid the waste of time and money.

As I write this I’m experiencing some minor tingling sensations after having tapered my BP medications for three days and stopped taking it for two full days. I also feel my heart beating more than usual, a little light-headedness and some shaking in my hands. I’ve read that stopping my medication, Metoprolol Tartrate, cold turkey can create some unintended health complications. My three days of tapering has allowed me to avoid anything too concerning up to now but I do feel differently. As a precaution while jumping into the deep end of my comfort zone I’ve also been taking several BP measurements a day. The feedback so far has been reassuring. At the same time, my readings are not out of control.

My highest systolic rate (when heart beat pushes blood) has been 146 and my highest diastolic rate (when your heart rests between beats) has been 88, thus a reading of 146 over 88 or 146/88 mmHg. For adults 60 or older the recommended goal BP is now less than 150/90 so I am within an acceptable level for someone 10 years my junior. No wonder Chris told me to book my flight. I will still continue for another full day or so just to experience what I might need to face during the chaos of a ceremony and the strangeness of a strange land. 

At this point I feel good. This morning I was on the elliptical for an hour despite not eating for the past 15 hours, which is consistent with my daily 17 hour fast that I’ve followed for over the past 15 months. Nonetheless, this is a big deal for me. I am trying to navigate in unchartered waters, at least for me. Perhaps others have had the same experience or know how to find safe harbour but, for me, it has been difficult. The next day or two will unfold my truth. For now, I will hold true to the course that I have set.

Another day later and with a new high in BP measurements of 153 over 93. The fact that it is slightly higher than acceptable has increased my anxiety. Is this really what I want to do? Why do I feel so compelled? Sure there is an upside but there is also a downside, one that I have often tried to minimize. Yet, at the same time, I realize that it is only one measurement and that I am under more stress than usual as we are currently experiencing a winter cold snap which has meant our bathroom system is temporarily out of order. In itself, this measurement is not enough for me to panic. I will hold my course despite the sense of sailing too close to the unseen shoals.

I couldn’t believe that I had made such an obvious mistake and it shocked me to my core. 

At the end of my self-imposed no-BP medication dry run I discover that I have made a big mistake. When I took my last BP reading I told my wife about my week long abstinence.  I explained my reasoning behind my 7 day (4 full day) trial run and my rationale for not involving her until it was over. She was taken aback, but not by my deception. She gently explained that Metoprolol Tartrate was not my BP medication. I was in shock. I raced to understand not only the circumstances of why this happened but to review my life in order to determine if this obvious mistake was part of a pattern. 

On one level I know Metoprolol Tartrate moderate BP but I didn’t appreciate that it was used to treat high blood pressure and chest pain (angina) specifically to improve survival after a heart attack. To further complicate the matter my primary BP medication (Coversyl PLUS HD) is actually two medications in one pill: perindopril and indapamide. For some reason, never appreciated this pill as my defence against High BP. I saw it more as a water pill to help with urinary flow. In reality, however, Perindopril relaxes blood vessels and helps the heart to pump blood that carries oxygen more efficiently and Indapamide helps control blood pressure by getting rid of excess salt and water. Combined they treat adults with mild to moderate high blood pressure. 

On another level, I had made similar mistakes in the past. I am often impulsive and not thoughtful. My actions and non-actions have impacted my life and the lives of other, sometimes with dire consequences. Why don’t I think more and control my urges when a second thought or reflection might allow me to see another perspective and perhaps avoid an unpleasant circumstance.  I am like a kid in a candy store whose eyes light up and whose brain shuts off. 

Whatever it is, I’m too old for stupid. 

If I were kind to myself I could rationalize away this mistake. I have obviously done it before while hiding behind the self-image of an absent minded professor who fumbles through life while occasionally creating sparks of genius. I could disguise it my saying my compulsiveness has something to do with a dopamine or some other chemical rush that floods cognitive processes when something desirable overrides logic much like other biological and social urges like sex, children and power. I could even say that I’m old and hide behind other old people’s miscues. 

I’m unwilling to be dismissed by a culture overwhelmed but Alzheimers and used to treating old age as the final step into oblivion. I am not impaired. I am not prepared or willing to shuffle quietly into the end zone. I will face myself and do everything I can to go forward more aware and more conscious of my impact on others and myself. I accept this mistake as a pattern and see that I need to work back into determining the triggers that make me impulsive and reckless. 

I no longer have the luxury of ignoring my reality. Hopefully, this window of relatively good health will continue long enough for me to ensure future mistakes are no longer a repeat of past mistakes. Now I’m re-evaluating my entire journey to determine if it is beyond my ability to accomplish. Maybe I’ve waited too long and the door is now closed. If so, then the question is whether I will now use a window or simply turn the page.