Tag: Psilocybin

A difficult decision

I have been reflecting on the ambiguity from my recent Doctor’s visit. I have put my faith in a medical system that ensures my longevity but I am responsible for my own life and how to live it fully. If I had sought such an experience earlier in my life there would be less concern for my well-being. Now I face the most daunting test of my abilities and my limitations without any true means to measure my fitness or to gauge the best path to take at this juncture.

My application for four separate psychedelic experiences (Holotropic breath work, Ayahuasca, and Psilocybin) have now been rejected. In all instances company insurance policies didn’t cover the risk associated with the fact that I take medication for my High Blood Pressure, Stroke and Atrial Fibrillation. This was, in part, due to the contraindications of the medications, the impact of the actual trip as well as the fact they were either not prepared to handle such medical emergencies due to their remoteness and untrained staff.

I have done some soul searching. I’ve even considered giving up my my Psychedelic Journey

What is my path? I keep going back to the burning question of what I want from my life. What is missing that I want or, perhaps, need from this experience? I am living a great life and, for the first time in my life, feel content. Why would I risk everything especially when the consequences for my care would likely impact my loved ones.

Is it simply that I believe I am emotionally, mentally and, even, physically healthy? Or is that I am drawn to having a mystical experience and, perhaps, gain a visceral understanding of what life would be like if I let go of my conditioning and expectations?  Probably both, why is why I feel compelled to proceed until not doing so is more obvious to me.

While I believe that I can frame the experience such that I can let go of my anxieties and embrace whatever experiences it presents, I also recognize that this is a new experience for me and my confidence is not yet grounded in reality. Therefore I’ve taken some precautions to ensure tripping will be a positive experience. I’ve made arrangements to take psilocybin through magic truffles in Amsterdam, where it is legal and where good hospitals are nearby. 

My experience will be under the guidance of an experienced professional that knows how to safely manage my experience. 

I am comforted by the fact that I believe that I can orchestrate the ideal scenario for the experience. I am disquieted by the fact that I need to lie in order the have the experience. Fortunately for my first experience this is less weighty as the people behind my first experience have stated “The service is directed to people who are willing to take psychedelics at their own risk.” 

I do not want to deceive those I love but nor do I want to deceive myself. Despite the consequences that this could have to my loved ones, especially my loving partner and best friend, it is, after all is said and done, my life and my decision. But it its also not fair or just so I will explain the risks and my decision to not reveal the full extent of my medication or admit to any health issues that would dismiss me as a candidate.

I don’t see any other path for me. 

I must proceed, as long as I believe that it is right to do so. I accept that it will never be safe, however. Such its life, but being safe should not be an expectation or, even, a goal in life. I don’t want to shorten my life unnecessarily, nor do I want to live a long life in pain or with regrets. After all, the whole idea of this experience, for me, is to make my dying and my death more agreeable, not less bearable.

I will now proceed with the journey under the belief that I can manage the experience. I believe that I am healthy and can have a positive experience. I know that I am in a good place and that likely this is my window. My greatest strength is not only that I am emotionally and mentally healthy but that I live a healthy lifestyle and my medications are more preventative than corrective.

From my research, bad trips are often triggered by not being in a good emotional state and not framing your experience in a positive manner. In fact, I believe that it is less likely that I will induce a medical condition if I approach it properly through emotional preparation and during the experience to let go, to surrender my ego and expectations.

The guide that I have selected is a practicing psychologist who is part of a professionally trained team with years of experience with psychedelics.

I believe that I will be in good hands and know that medical intervention is close by. I believe that I will be safe and maybe that is all I can do, maybe I need to let go of everything else.  In fact, I believe that I need to embrace this uncertainty, not because of the inherent risk to me but because of its value as a step into the unknown and a corresponding step away from my conditioning.


What to do?

I am beginning tp feel that perhaps my medication will stop me from following my Psilocybin dream

Here is an excerpt from the Dutch company I mentioned last week. It offers Psilocybin experiences but clearly isn’t comfortable with people on medications, even healthy people on medications like myself. “When I looked into your application I have found the following contraindications: High Blood Pressure and Episodes of Atrial Fibrillation: even though your doctor can attest to your good health we are afraid we cannot fully mitigate risks associated with both your high blood pressure and the episodes of atrial fibrillation.”

I am beginning to feel that my journey my not be attainable. They wrote that Psilocybin is known to be able to increase blood pressure which made me realize that if I go forward I will need to near emergency medical care. This became abundantly clear when they raised their concern over cardiovascular problems that be induced or increased due to my medications.

They refused my admittance and told me that “Both of your conditions are official contraindications in most of the contemporary research into psilocybin.”  They did so, however, it a a compassionate, understanding manner in which they put my safety first and expressed their regrets.

All this reminds me of when my Father was restricted to a wheelchair and as I took him places my eyes opened to the physical barriers that wheelchair bound people face.

My body has become my barrier. I understand that why they cannot allow me to participate. I do not hold it against them. I’m sure if they could help me that they would. Nonetheless, there must be a way, perhaps a situation where the facilitators are more capable of dealing with people like myself.

In addition, I applied for an Ayahuasca experience and was faced with a similar barrier when they stated in their reply letter “Most medication cannot be combined with Ayahuasca. When you are using medication, you have to check with your physician/pharmacist as soon as possible if these can be combined with a MAO-inhibitor (as in the Ayahuasca).

If they cannot be combined, you need to consult with your physician if it is possible to stop temporarily with the medication. Your physician determines if and how many days in advance you have to stop with the medication before you drink the Ayahuasca. We would like to be informed if this is the case. Anti-depressants and medication for high blood pressure are a contra indication for drinking the Ayahuasca. 

In case you might use drugs we ask you not to take any drugs for at least one month prior to the ceremony with Ayahuasca. This way the intelligence of your body and mind open up to the ceremony and you can connect with the Ayahuasca in the purest way. Wait with taking any drugs at least one month after the ceremony with Ayahuasca. This way the Ayahuasca can integrate in your body and mind without the drugs overruling the work of the holy plants. Some drugs are even life threatening dangerous to take in combination with Ayahuasca, like GHB.”

What to do? I have not given up but I will need to consider my options and perhaps become a little creative.

I contacted my pharmacy and asked them to check my medication in combination with a MAO-inhibitor and whether or not there was any heath concerns with my suspending my medication. After a few hours I was told that such a determination was beyond their comfort zone and suggested I approach my doctor.

I’m not surprised that my health care providers are not comfortable stepping outside the pharmaceutical umbrella that is more and more effective at replacing a healthy lifestyle. Ironic, isn’t it, that although medication’s purpose is be life sustaining, life extending the quality of that life is equated with longevity, not a life well lived.

In Western medicine it seems that I can have a longer life but not a life well lived or a death humanely orchestrated.